Pre-Seder Chuckles

At least one might give you a pre-Pesach chuckle. :-)

• A group of leading medical researchers have published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

• At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is . . .”Let My People Go.”

• Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai’s that are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!

• If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

• JEWISH JEOPARDY We give the answer, you give the question:

            A: Midrash

            Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

            A: The Gaza Strip

            Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

            A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke

            Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

            A: Shofer

            Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

            A: Babylon

            Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

            A: Filet Minyan

            Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

            A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision

            Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called . . .”E-MOIL.”

Tomorrow, I will have my take on last night's "South Park" episode.

Hope everyone has finished their pre-Passover shopping and cleaning! Have a great day! 

Kathy

The Two-Minute Haggadah: A Passover Service for the Impatient

Welcome to my new blog! Here, I will post Jewish humor, ephemera, and everything else in between. Passover is coming up in just a few days, so I would like to start with a very abridged version of the Haggadah:

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:

1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.

(Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

•  Wise child — explain Passover.
•  Simple child — explain Passover slowly.
•  Silent child — explain Passover loudly.
• Wicked child — browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—

(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL