A Short Vacation in the Catskills, Part 1

Hi there! I wasn't feeling well for the last couple of weeks but now I'm back.

It's almost summer and in glory days, it would have been time for families to head up to their bungalows in the Catskills and for kids to go to camp. Here are some jokes to take you back to those times, and to get your week going as well:

5772: Year according to Jewish calendar

4709: Year according to Chinese calendar

1063: Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

* * *

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Is ANYTHING all right?"

* * *

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

* * *

Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, “Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back.” Sam replies, “Thank G-d for that. . . . I thought I'd gone deaf!”

* * *

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: “They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.”

* * *

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.”

To which she replied: “Force yourself.”

* * *

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?

Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

* * *

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says,

“Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry.”

She's a Native American and her name is “Shooting Star.”

“How nice,” says his mother. “I have an Indian name too,” he says.

“It's Running Water” and you have to call me that from now on.”

“How nice” says his mother.

“You have to have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says.

“I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva.”

* * *

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak.”

The son says, “Why are you so weak?”

She says, “Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.”

The man says, “That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answers, “Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

* * *

Jewish view on when life begins: There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

* * *

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful.  What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

* * *

Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying.  Details to follow.”

* * *

 Coming this week: A Tribute to Adam Yauch (RIP), Anti-Semitism on "Mad Men".